hard to cope

[p1nk11]

I'm really struggling today - dont know why but I havent even been able to drag myself out of bed. I cant stop thinking about her & what happened, & trying to think of a reason why - why us? why her? why not someone else? (I know that sounds really awful & id never wish this on anyone but thats how I feel atm) All I want is to have my baby in my arms again - just once, but it will never happen. I keep trying to imagine her smile, her laugh, wondering what colour eyes she had - daddy's or mine. I try to stay positive & look to the future but today I just cant do it. OH keeps telling me to do things to take my mind off it but he doesnt seem to understand that I just cant stop thinking about her. I still cry every night & it seems to be longer & longer every time.

The feeling of wanting to ttc again is so strong but I know I need to wait. I'm still watching what i'm eating as if i'm still pregnant & dont want to drink alcohol even tho i can now. I suppose I'm trying to keep my body in 'baby mode' so when we r able to try again it hopefully will happen sooner rather than later.
There's so much going on in my head that I've had a headache for 3 days & cant get rid of it.

My body is just about back to normal - no pain from the section apart from the odd twinge, the bleeding has now stopped, still being sick now & then so all I have is my memories & thoughts to remind me of her. At least when I had the pain it kept it real.

Everyone seems to have been able to get back to normal but I just can't 'let it go' , maybe its because I need the PM results before I can except things or I'm just scared of letting go.

I'm sure I'll pick myself back up again by tomorrow but I just really needed to get thoughts out my head.

 

[hayels]

oh hun must be so hard for u. dont really no what i can say to make it any better but just give your self time and dont be to hard on your self sending lots of love and i hope tomorrow is a little better for u xxxxxx

 

[PrettyFx]

It makes me so teary to read your post. The only thing I can say to you is that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk about it. I pray that you get through this... xxx

 

[Laura_C]

Oh sweetie, I have found new year much harder than Xmas - it's everyone going on wishing a happy new year and I just can't imagine being happy. I haven't slept properly since new years eve, so so tired, my eyes ate stinging from crying and exhaustion. I seem to have had a major step back

I know what you mean about everyone moving, I do seem to be grieving in isolation at the moment. My hubby is still grieving but not on the same level as me and he doesn't really want to talk about things. My MIL has been wonderful though, checking on me regularly, calling up for a chat to see how I'm doing - I don't really see my Mum (that's another story) so she has been like a Mum to me through this. My Dad is great but I suppose he can't see things from a womens perspective.

Maybe you should see if you can get referred for some counselling - I am beginning to feel like I could talk to someone about things, maybe it would help. It's still early days so everthing is still quite raw, have you been offered anything by your doctor to help you sleep or help with anxiety/depression for the short term to help u get through? I have been given some sleeping tablets but only for when I really need them - just to get me through when I'm havin a difficult evening. I was having nightmares and severe anxiety at night especially. They are addictive though so I just have a small supply. I didn't want anything else, I want to get through my own way if I can - the sleeping ones have helped though to get me through bad nights so I can start the day much better.

I still find it incredibly difficult to get out of bed, I feel very tired all the time. I have to get up and get going though as my daughter wouldn't let me wallow and just can't let her see me like that. I am setting myself some goals to help get through each day, I have decided to lose my baby weight, so made up a diet plan and I'm going to start swimming once my daughter is back at nursery. I am determined I am going to look after my body and throw my energies into something productive. Exercise is supposed to help with endorphins, so I'm hoping it will give me a lift.

(((((((Big hugs sweetheart))))))

 

[k8_005]

I'm really struggling today - dont know why but I havent even been able to drag myself out of bed. I cant stop thinking about her & what happened, & trying to think of a reason why - why us? why her? why not someone else? (I know that sounds really awful & id never wish this on anyone but thats how I feel atm) All I want is to have my baby in my arms again - just once, but it will never happen. I keep trying to imagine her smile, her laugh, wondering what colour eyes she had - daddy's or mine. I try to stay positive & look to the future but today I just cant do it. OH keeps telling me to do things to take my mind off it but he doesnt seem to understand that I just cant stop thinking about her. I still cry every night & it seems to be longer & longer every time.

The feeling of wanting to ttc again is so strong but I know I need to wait. I'm still watching what i'm eating as if i'm still pregnant & dont want to drink alcohol even tho i can now. I suppose I'm trying to keep my body in 'baby mode' so when we r able to try again it hopefully will happen sooner rather than later.
There's so much going on in my head that I've had a headache for 3 days & cant get rid of it.

My body is just about back to normal - no pain from the section apart from the odd twinge, the bleeding has now stopped, still being sick now & then so all I have is my memories & thoughts to remind me of her. At least when I had the pain it kept it real.

Everyone seems to have been able to get back to normal but I just can't 'let it go' , maybe its because I need the PM results before I can except things or I'm just scared of letting go.

I'm sure I'll pick myself back up again by tomorrow but I just really needed to get thoughts out my head.

i understand your point on the why us bit, i keep asking myself the same question in relation to our loss, and there was a programme on tv which had an autistic child on bout a week after, which i creid and my husband asked if it was the child that upset me i admitted, feeling very shamefaced that it was the fact that i wished our child had been "just disabled" rather than having a condition that didnt support life after birth, which is a horrible thing to wish for and the guilt i felt was immense no one can tell you what is right or wrong to feel, we are planting a rose bush in memorie once the weather has warmed up and we have a memorie box we put our fateful scan picture in along with a few pregnancy leaflets and things, its not much but it means that i will always have an aknowledgement of that life that never was, its good to talk through with other forum members or with people who have gone through something similar, i was amazed at the compassion of close freinds who though never having been in my situation allowed me to rant and talk things over without judgement. talk to someone, be it a freind or a counsellor i believe it will help xxx

 

[p1nk11]

The nights are definately the hardest time as thats when she would kick me the most & it was like playtime I'd put my hand in one place & wait for her to kick it then move it to the other side even now I still think I can feel them (I've been told that this is quite common). I was offered sleeping tablets before christmas as i was only sleeping 2hrs a night but wasnt keen. I keep dreaming that I'm still pregnant then I wake up & rub my tummy to find my bump has gone, its kills me everytime. My friends are fab but I find that she's all I want to talk about & I feel that they are going to get fed up listening soon.

Laura C - I like the idea of the diet plan but I'm the opposite. Due to being sick all the way thru I lost alot of weight so when she was born I was the same weight as when I first got pregnant & since my tummy has gone back down, it was about 3wks after, I'm now 2stone lighter than I was. (seems really odd to everyone, including me, that someone can be that much lighter after having a baby) but I am definately going to focus on eating properly. My friend is getting married in May so trying to focus on that as I want to tone up so I can look nice in a bridesmaid dress. Tried doing some of the post natal tummy exercises the last few days but end up with really bad pains after so think I need to wait a bit longer.

I havent been bk to the dr yet but I am due to go this wk so I think I will talk to him about seeing someone, & ask him some of the questions I've got about getting pregnant again, maybe that will help sort my head out a bit.

xx

 

[FebMum2Be]

I'm so sorry girls x