i dont know what to do - long post

[meggymum]

hi all

i need some serious advice, as i feel like my whole world is falling apart....

me and OH are going through a serious bad patch. when i ask him he says he loves me and wants us to work out, but without going into too much detail i know his heart is actually somewhere else as well. then in another sentence he will say something like 'if we are still together then..' he hardly tells me he loves me anymore off his own back, even if i say it first, whereas when we are good i felt like i was his whole world and nothing else came close to him. he does show me affection but sometimes i feel like he is only doing it to give me something to hold on to. I am starting to feel a little like a spare part, and only kept sweet to look him and our son and the flat, that plus the fact that i dont think he could actually leave me. (he told me he would always protect me and our LO, and could never see me out in the world on my own. i guess he does love me deep down but he is very confused at the moment as to what he wants. but i am worried that when you have been together with someone for so long (we been together 11 years) somethings can just be down to habits forming.) i told him the other day that i need to be more than just a mummy now and suggested we have a night a week where we sit down together and just have us time (as much as you can with a newborn baby in the house!) we did it and it was ok overall, but still felt a little reserved.

he told me that he wants more kids and that he would only ever have them with me, and i want another one, but how can i have more children with someone who i feel is ashamed of me, and it feels like he wants to hide the fact that we are still together? (he told me the other day that we could start trying for our next baby in the next few months, but his friends would be mad at him for it as they know we are going through a bad patch. he also asks me to go out for the evening when he wants his friends round, so again i am being hidden away)

i love him so much and do not want our son to grow up without their parents being together, and i know he is trying, but how long should i wait before walking away? i am trying to give him the time and space to figure out what he wants, but at the moment he kinda has the best of both worlds as i am not objecting to the way he is acting re other person, and just trying to concentrate on us, but my heart feels like it is going to explode. i know i want to just go back to the way things were. but part of me is thinking that it will never come back and that i should just accept it but i cant as it hurts so much.

i dont know what to do, please help!

 

[Kayelle]

Aw hun sorry you are going through this with him! Sorry I do not have any advice, well maybe being a daddy has just 'rocked' him a little and he is adjusting? (Albeit not greatly lol )
Hugs! X

 

[littlemiss83]

Sorry your going through so much



Were the problems there before the baby was born? Is this your first?

It can be very hard to adapt to life with a newborn & suddenly we're bombared with basically everything to do with the baby along with all the rest we do in our lives like housework/work ect. While 9 times out of 10 OH's help out a bit but dont do the majority...it can be hurtful & sometimes we end up resenting our OH's. I felt like this for a while with my OH, but eventually once baby was less demanding, it got easier.

Also, as the saying goes - one small flaw in a relationship with be x by 100 with a baby added to the equasion.

 

[Geminiblue]

both my parents have been married 3 times...now whilst it was tough with that amount and dont recommend it to anyone, I certainly would not have wanted my parents to stay together for me...god I couldnt imagine anything worse.

Right you are in the same situation as my sister was. But she wasnt expecting. You are putting his needs first all the time and not considering your own. You need to speak to someone about your self esteem and self worth. He is seeing someone else, he is pretending to his friends he is not with you, you say his friends would be angry with him if he tried for another...so that says what is he telling people. Why is he ashamed of you. Do you not think you are just denying the inevitable? its over honey, get rid and I bet when his 11 year itch dies out then he will be back asking for forgiveness and if he isnt....then he wasnt worth all this in the first place. The pressure of being a single parent is massive, but not as bad as living in a souless relationship feeling the distance and not having your emotional needs met. Hes asked you to go out when you are pregnant?

god you poor poor love but unfortunately only you can change this situation. I know youve been together a long time but when is enough enough? You have given him ample opportunity...his mistaken loyalty to you is keeping him there. Lets face it if he was that loyal and caring he wouldnt be putting you through this so this says to me more about its about his needs not yours and your baby. It doesnt have to get nasty Im sure you will keep things amicable for your child sakes but honestly....how much more are you goingto put up with and be unhappy?

You only get on life, now go live it.
Massive hug for you xxxx

 

[LouiseB]

It sounds like the guy can't win to me

You pester him to tell you he loves you all the time but when he does "it's not off his own back".

You want to go out with him and then he does take you out but it "still felt a little reserved".

He shows you affection but you accuse it of just being to humour you.

I've been with my husband for 6 years and i know it's not as sparky and spontaneous as it used to be but that is just life. It's been replaced with familiarity and unity.

We don't have to do the dance anymore to prove we're still in step with each other.

Whatever this thing is that you don't want to tell us about - you either need to forgive him for it and move on or not, but you can't stay with him and still hold it against him.

You either believe he loves you or you don't

 

[meggymum]

thanks for the advice so far, and yeh i can see both points of view now. think i will give it some time but if things dont improve i might go stay at my dads for a while to give us some space to think.

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Hey x

I remember being told when i first got pregnant that the first year of a childs life is the most difficult for the folks... and its true

we had NO time for each other, we were both KNACKERED and it was difficult to regain the love that we shared before Jasper (it didnt help that we were both ravers and well into all of that so our lives changed dramtically when i was pregnant)

So... I made a vow to myself not to make any rash decision before Jasper was a year old, and it DID improve and we did find each other again and it was nice... so i would definitely give it time and see how things pan out

most importantly TALK to him about how your feeling, not in anger or pain but just say 'look when you ask me to leave because your mates are coming over, it makes me feel like your hiding me away' because he might think very differently about it and tell you something that changes your opinion of it...

Try and be frank and honest with each other and tell him that you understand if he is a bit turned off romantically at the moment (i honestly think all men go through a phase of that when their kiddles are born) and see what he says. After 11 years it HAS to be worth the effort to try and sort it out

Also remember that more than 50% of a long-term relationship is about companionship, not wild romantic lust or anything like that, its about having a companion and sharing wonderful moments together, like your kids first food or steps or the first time you go to the beach or whatever. Talk about those things.. the things that you will always share no matter what

ask him why he says things like 'if we are still together' because that would worry me to death... but do it calmly and pleasantly, let him feel like he can confide in you about how he is feeling rather than worrying you will fly off the deep end if he tells the truth

if its not meant to be its not meant to be but even if you have 6 months of shakeyness, it will be worth it if you are happy for the rest of your lives together xxx

 

[pixie17]

what a difficult situation, i feel for you. I would go and stay at your dads for a while as you have suggested. it sounds to me that your OH doesnt know what he wants and needs space to figure things out - and realise what he has! its that old saying, you dont realise what you have got until its gone. i wouldnt tell him that this is what you are trying to get him to do though, leave him to figure it out for himself. just say YOU need some space and want your baby to spend some time with his grandad. say it nicely with no threat. leave him be for a while, he will figure things out eventually. While you are at your dads, concentrate on your little one and think about yourself and what you want from things. Its not all about your OH! It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds and is totally taking you for granted. You clearly deserve more than this. Its a half way house between staying in the situation you are in and ending your relationship. By doing this now your will be doing the best for your LO, yourself and your OH. You clearly care about him a lot. Dont worry, all is not lost and you have the power to do something about it. xx