How to deal with jealous friends?

[newbie1984]

Hi all

I wanted some advise on how best to deal with a jealous friend. One of my close friends is desperate for a baby, so when I announced my pregnancy she is really happy and excited but naturally she is jealous and admitted this to me. She had a mc last year so I'm trying to be as sympathetic as I can be with her situation but any other tips on how best to deal with this would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Little_angel]

Is it causing a problem? If so, how?

 

[newbie1984]

Only on the basis that I dont really feel like i can talk about my preg on account of her feeling upset or anything bad

 

[Little_angel]

But is that you feeling bad, or her indicating it makes her feel bad?

 

[newbie1984]

Me thinking she feels bad I guess. I guess there isn't really much I can do about that......

 

[Lolly85x]

Well I have a similar situation... My best friend for years and i had drifted apart, she got a boyfriend, and stopped seeing me, then I got with my boyfriend and she split up with her's... She started going out all the time, and socialising with anyone and everyone. When I told her I was pregnant, I got a text back saying 'knew it' I have hardly spoken to her since, iv text her a few times to no reply... A mutual friend told me she was upset, as she was desperate for a happy relationship and a baby, and it's very hard for her to see me having what she wants... Which I found very unfair as she doesn't even have a boyfriend! But anyway we don't speak anymore, and while it's sad Iv lost a friend, it's better to see people for there true colours.
While I understand it's very hard for your friend, and perhaps she doesn't want baby talk 24/7 she should also be supportive of you, If she is a true friend.
It may be the case it takes a while for her to get her head round, your best just to try and watch what you say and wait untill she mentions the baby or your pregnancy...x

 

[Little_angel]

If she's not showing any sign, then perhaps she doesn't feel the way you think. I know she's admitted that she's jealous, but that doesn't necessarily mean she feels bad every time you mention the pregnancy or baby. Can you talk to her about the way you are feeling?

In terms of how to act, I now have experience of both sides of this coin. You're obviously a lovely thoughtful friend, because you're worried about how you might be affecting her, and that's half the battle. As long as you are thoughtful - not talking about your pregnancy all the time, asking about her - it should be OK. Try and be yourself with her and don't feel sorry for her, for me pity was the worst thing.

Don't be offended if she needs space from you right now. I didn't drop my friends who were pregnant or had babies, but during the worst times I did avoid seeing them, especially with their little ones. This wasn't out of spite or jealousy particularly, but self preservation. It was better for me to channel my energy into other areas of my life, rather than obsessing about babies. From the excited responses and invitations to meet up I've received since letting them know about my pregnancy, it appears they understand.

I hope your friend gets her BFP soon, it would be so lovely if you could be pregnant together xx

 

[fresh]

I know what it's like to be on the other side of this, as we tried for a long time with most friends becoming pregnant before we did, so I have felt the jealousy and the heartache
It's not the same jealousy that you would feel about money for example, it's a heartbreaking thing that gets worse with every friend that gets their bfp
As long as I was offering them congratulations and not ignoring them, they seemed to understand as they knew what we were going through, the only problem was I felt we couldn't socialise with them and it was so hard to see them
Now we have our bfp, two others we know are still waiting for theirs, I mailed them both soon after we announced and said I knew what they were going through and encouraged them to keep positive, as we were finding we were losing heart before we got our bfp, one is very positive with us and the other one now talks to me about her progress
Not sure what you should do, it's very hard for both of you

 

[newbie1984]

She isn't trying but she longs for a baby. I think she feels that after her MC a year ago she still feels like its never going to happen for her and if she starts trying isn't convinced she won't MC again; I've tried to support her in saying there is no reason to think you will MC and totally understand how it's hard for her to see her friend pregnant with an unplanned preg but I guess that's life. It will be fine. She wants to be involved but I don't really mention anything unless she does first and I just feel when I do she goes into herself a bit. I'm sure in time it will be just fine.

 

[1stBump12]

I've also been on the both sides of this. When I had my miscarriage 2 years ago, my work colleague announced she was pregnant, she didn't realise about my miscarriage and I didn't realise that I had seemed distant. Once we got it all out in the open and I explained how I was feeling it all got much easier. It was hard for me when she was reaching different milestones and I was left thinking about the milestones I should have got to - but also I had to remind myself that my MC wasn't her fault and she didn't deserve me moping. It was very difficult as it was all still very raw for me, but she was my friend and deserved to be happy. I really appreciated her being careful around me, but equally I had to accept that it wasn't my time at that point and I couldn't punish her for what happened to me.

Now I'm in the situation where my SIL isn't speaking to me - I never even got a congratulations from her, until my step-mother-in-law shamed her into sending me a text!! But since then nothing! She's also completely ignored my birthday - again not even a text! She is supposedly jealous, but she's not in a relationship (through choice!) and has always said she didn't want any children (has had 2 terminations that I know of!) so if I'm perfectly honest I'm treating her the same way as she's treating us from now on! I have tried to communicate but I'm not wasting my time worrying about her anymore. Might sound a bit harsh, but the relationship has always been one-sided and the time has come for me to focus on LO and myself!

I hope you can sort everything out between your friend and you, she's been openly honest about how she feels which bodes well! X

 

[CARNAT22]

I found out I was pregnant a week after two friends did and I went on to miscarry at 8 weeks.

Both friends were very good at letting me direct the conversation after my loss (If I asked about baby they'd happily spill thier guts LOL)

I'd lay off the baby talk with this particular friend until she brings it up. She'll get her head round it all soon enough!

xxxxxxxxx

 

[mrz85]

I had the same problem with one of my friends and sadly she has know blocked me out of her life