OH is not ready for it

[lotus]

OK, my OH told me last night he isnt ready for being a father - despite me being 13 weeks pregnent.
We stopped using contraception in Feb - it was more me pushing him, he wanted to wait a couple of years, but I was told I could be infertile and to try now, on 2 occasions he asked to use a condom an I said I wanted a baby, after that he never asked again and we never used one again. It only took a few months for me to fall on. If we had known this, we would have waited a year or 2 (although I doubt he ever would have said lets start trying!)
He seemed relatively pleased about it at first, his face lit up when we had the scan and he is so scared of us loosing the baby. He said last night he doesnt feel ready for it yet and likes his life how it is now, but apparantly I rushed on ahead wanting to get pregnant.
I am now really scared he will leave me. We have been togther for 11 years, I am 29, he is 33. I told him its a positive thing that will bring us closer, but I am not sure he sees it this way.
He also doesnt open up much at all, it is hard to tell what he is really feeling and thinking, so therefore this must be a good thing for him to tell me how he feels. Where do we go from here? I love him dearly and i am sure he loves me too.
(a very upset) Jo.

 

[Minxy]

Ah Jo, am sorry to hear this, I do think men can be so selfish at times! It's not good for you to be getting upset.

Not ready? He's 33! And he's still got a lot of time to come round to the idea.

EVERYONE finds it scary when they find out they're expecting I'm sure. The difference with women is that we feel the emotional and physical changes all the time so have to become accustomed to the idea more quickly. For men quite often it's much more of an abstract concept until they see the evidence, like a scan or bump.

Only you will know if this could be a relationship-breaker so it's difficulty to offer advice. Just try to give him time, I hope he'll turn out to be the proudest daddy ever!

 

[Cat&Noah]

Well the fact that you have been toether for 11 years and he is 33, what exactly does he think will e any different in waitin 2 more years. Everyone is always afraid of how their lives will change, cause having a baby is a big thin. Try to talk to him about what exactly he feels is going to change and try to address those issues. I mean does he normally like to go out drinking every night, perhaps try to work out some sort of plan for ow you will do things once the baby is here. You know, set nights they he can go out with his mates. Arrange for regular nights that a family member can look after them, so you can spend time together. Work out a budget, so he can clearly see how much things will cost, and how much disposable income he will have to himself each month. Planning things can go a long way to easing those worries of the unknown. Adn show that its not as much a huge life change as you often think. Personnaly I havent found having a child has changed much for us, and doesnt stop us doing things. If anythin it enriches our lives more, cause things that you find insignificant become a lot more interesting when introducing them to a child, like feeding ducks, or going for a bike ride, and playing on swings.

 

[Choco]

I think it's a good thing he's actually told you how he feels. Maybe its not so much that he's not ready just that he's not sure what to expect. He's bound to be nervous but after 11 plus years I think no one will know him better than you.

Hope you feel better & he loses any insecurities he has about yr new addition soon xx

 

[Urchin]

I don't know if there are many men around who, if you asked, would ever admit to feeling "ready" to become a dad.....women see things very differently in this department, and can feel maternal very early on. He'll come round when you're bump starts showing and you're picking names etc. I'm sure he'll be a great dad too, don't worry.

My OH had a vasectomy at 25 because he NEVER wanted kids, now he's a great dad!

 

[Gnomentum]

For what it's worth I'm 13 weeks and having my share of the panicked 'not readys' too.. in my case my OH is very supportive and has been through the same things as this is his second child (my first).

I think it's normal for both men and women to get scared, it's a HUGE life change and even if the pregnancy was planned (as mine was) and even with all the maternal hormones and so on.. it's a scary prospect and it takes a lot to come to terms with.

I wouldn't worry sweetheart, I'm sure he's getting normal nerves and I have no doubt the first time he looks into his baby's eyes he will fall totally in love.

 

[lotus]

Thanks girls. I bought a good book "from lad to dad" it helps me at least get to grips with how he's thinking. Its written by a guy who was scared too when his wife was pregnant. I am sure Jon will come round, the book is saying his feelings are very common. I just hope he reads it!