Diary of an IVFer

[Helen]

Hi

I thought I'd start this thread for entirely selfish reasons. I've been meaning to keep a diary for a while about my feelings whilst me and OH go through our first IVF cycle and this seemed as good a place as any. If you read it maybe you'll understand what it's like to be in these shoes, maybe it'll help you if you are about to step into them or maybe you're already in them and you'll find out you're not alone.

OH and I had our infertility confirmed in March. We're currently undergoing tests before we can start our first cycle of IVF with ICSI.

H

 

[Helen]

I've had a pretty tough couple of weeks of being tested all in all.

A couple of weeks ago, OH and I went for a scan of my ovaries. The IVF specialist we're seeing thought that it was possible I had PCOS as there is family problems TTC and I don't ovulate every month.

First bit was easy, a blood test on day one of cycle. Second bit was less fun, the scan. We went to the ACU (Assisted Conception Unit) for the scan. A major eye-opener for me. Everyone in the waiting room was perfectly normal. God knows what I expected. Some sort of neon sign above their heads saying "Yes, we're infertile too". It made me realise how completely narrow minded I had been. I'd always assumed that OH and I were the only "normal" ones and we were the only ones to eat healthily, exercise, not smoke, blah, blah all those things and that everyone else who was infertile had in some way brought it on themselves. What an idiot!

The scan wasn't pleasant. A big plastic gismo inserted whilst my feet were in stirrups. Yuck! OH, myself, specialist and nurse all crammed in tiny room. OH could see the screen but couldn't make out what on earth it was. Lots of phrases like "multi-cystic ovaries" but turns out things look ok. She said she could tell that I don't ovulate every month.

No results of the earlier blood test at this point. We should get confirmation one way or another on the PCOS in July when we see specialist again.

In the meantime.... more tests.

H

 

[Helen]

Last week I went to see the nurse at my GP's surgery to get a smear done. I'm not actually due until November, but if all goes ok hopefully we'll be in the thick of things with IVF then.

I'm pretty nervous about smears having had severe dyskaryosis 8 years ago followed by laser surgery to get rid of it. I've been losing weight recently and am down to a size 10. Last time I was this size was the last time I had a dodgy smear. Are they related? Who knows, but my overactive imagination keeps fretting about it. It was nice losing weight at first because I felt pretty trim for my hols. Now, scaresly a day goes by without someone mentioning it in some way or another and it freaks me out now!

Nurse I saw was so lovely. She'd given OH and I our pre-holiday jabs and was asking all about our hols. I plucked up courage to ask her about something I've been ignoring for months..... I have loose bowel movements and have had some blood. She asked me whether I'd lost weight and instantly said I needed to see a doctor. She was really reassuring though and said I'd probably just need to give a sample for testing.

I booked the appointment before I left....

 

[Wobbles]

Wow Helen - I hope this doesn't sound bad but I am interested in your diary & you have a quick journal & success story.

I had wandered today if there was anyone on the forum going through IVF.

Can I ask what PCOS is & how it's tested? I've seen it mentioned a couple of times x

 

[Helen]

Saw the GP on Monday night after work. I felt relieved because I got an appointment that meant that I only had to leave 10 mins early. I've been trying to keep appointments to days when I know my boss isn't in so that I can sneak off, no questions asked.

The GP again was really nice. Asked me all about my symptoms and checked my belly. He thought all seemed ok and it was probably just stress of everything going on health wise and work wise. I didn't get onto family wise....

Anyway to be sure that there was nothing "abnormal" that needed a biopsy (I HATE that word!) he suggested a procedure which he gave a medical name to, but that meant a camera..... oh yes.... *whispers* "up there"!!!

Everything is ok, but he books me in for the following day.... hmmmm....

Spent the evening trying not to worry completely irrationally about the big C.....

 

[Helen]

Hi Wobbles

I'm really pleased you are interested. TBH I feel a bit of a loner on here these days now that I am past the OPK sticks and temping, etc.

PCOS is poly-cystic ovaries. They test for it by a day one blood test for hormone levels and a internal scan. On the scan they can see cysts on your ovaries where eggs haven't developed enough to be released. I don't know a great deal more than that, other than it can be a problem with IVF when they stimulate your ovaries to produce lots of eggs because you can produce too many and it's quite dangerous.

I hope I've got that right because I'm no great expert on the subject.

Thank you for listening to my prattling on!

H

 

[Wobbles]

I seen you add on & kicked myself for replying – Sorry is it ok to reply?

Don’t feel lonely I am genuinely interested it’s something I am not too aware of but with 1000 things running through my own mind lately this has been one of them but hadn’t seen any mention of anyone going through an IVF cycle recently.

I know it’s not the same story but we all want the same thing and I definitely fit into the peestickoholic range & although find myself a walking fertility I have experienced 3 confirmed losses in 3 months. Kind of makes OPKs pointless for me now & I am more inclined to wander what other options are out there for me. I am sticking to charting though – Can you not chart while TTC under IVF?

PCOS – This is only related to eggs not being released – Do you know? Sorry I am wandering if this is a test I should talk to my EPU about. Although you may not know I’m talking out loud or typing in this case lol

 

[paulaws]

Hi Helen,
its really good to see you back,i have been reading threads but haven't posted anything for ages.
It was only today I wondered what had happened to you.I know what you mean about feeling a bit out of things. I feel a bit like that because we have decided to just wait and see if anything happens rather than going for investigations.We are in a different situation to you because we already have one.We have given it until I am 35 (in 18 months time) and if nothing has happens we are going to stop trying forever.
The symptoms you describe-icky tummy etc sounds just like what i had after I had keiran. I used to have the same thing and my doc sent me for the dreaded camera.They diagnosed IBS which settled down after about 2 years and now I only get it when I am stressed. I am sure yours will settle down two once you become less stressed about things.
I think you are very brave sharing your experiences about IVF-i bet there will be loads of people who will be interested or who can relate to what you are going through.
Hope things go well in a few weeks
Paula

 

[Rachael]

Hiya Helen

Just wanted to wish you lots of

with your treatment cycle.
I underwent IVF in December 2004, so I can relate to what you are going through - Your not a loner in here!
Really hope your IVF cycle goes smoothly and your PCOS causes no additional problems. If it's any consolation I have borderline PCOS and it did not proove problematic for my treatment, although OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome ) was always a concern. You will be monitored closely to make sure this is not a problem for you. There are ways of reducing the chances of OHSS, but I won't go into that unless its something that becomes relevant.

 

[liviray]

Hi Helen,
It's really interesting reading your story. How long have you been ttc?
Me and OH have been trying for a year now. Very frustrating and disheartening. We have our first appointment at the hospital in August, to see ( i think) a nurse. God knows what they'll do. Haven't a clue....
Are the internal scans bad? I really have no idea of what to expect.
Keep up with the diary. It's fab!

 

[Helen]

Hi all

Thanks for your posts, it's really encouraging to know that you are all interested in what seems to be a hidden side of TTC.

Yesterday was dreadful. I went for my appointment with the specialist (how do they get into this area of medicine?! ) and he had the worst bedside manner going. I had to strip off in the same way as you do for a smear and got covered over by some large tissue paper which had ripped in the middle and therefore was no help whatsoever!

He came in and I had to curl up in the fetal position whilst he applied some "numb bum" followed by inserting the camera. Ugh! The good news is that he couldn't find anything dodgy up there and all looked ok. He was asking me if there was anything I was worried about and started down the work track. Well, yes pretty much on target there. There's a lot going on at work at the mo and having to leave yesterday in the middle of an important meeting to go to that was pretty bad. I felt as though I was letting my bosses down but decided that I should put my health first.

I thought I would also bring up the subject of IVF... BIG MISTAKE!!! He started off by saying that he always recommended to his patients that they adopt because as soon as they do so they get PG anyway. Er.... "relaxing" is not going to help in our case. Then said that I'd left it too late anyway, I'm 33. I pointed out that I had been trying since I was 26 and he told me that that was too late as well. I should have explained that the reason I had to wait until I was 26 was cos of the dodgy smear I've mentioned in an earlier post. Then he told me that there are far worse things they do to you during IVF than what he was doing...... I'll be the judge of that!

When I left I felt completely humiliated and depressed about the whole IVF thing. Spoke to my OH and as usual he was wonderful and picked me back up. Made me laugh when he told me that he thought that this doc was an A£$*!!

Went back to work but my brain wasn't in it and felt really tired. My boss (male) asked me how I'd got on so I found myself explaining to him what I'd had done. How embarrassing.

Needless to say I haven't said anything about the IVF treatment. I've always thought it might be a bit of a CLM (Career Limiting Move)! If this doesn't work then I'd like to be able to carry on with it!

Rachel what did you tell your work?

When I got home I just went to bed and flaked out. Feeling much brighter today and looking forward to tonight which is the New Patient Evening at the ACU.

H

x

 

[lauramumof2]

Hi Helen,
I have a small experience of waiting for ivf, infertility and the feelings that go with it. I had had a op on my ovaries and endometriosis so when I had bother conceiving it was no great shock. A got a lap done 2 years after being ttc and the gyn referred me straight for ivf. For some reason up in Scotland the waiting list was relativlyshort and I was surprised when letters came in a few months later wanting us to go to Glasgow for the start of tests etc. The month I was waiting for my period to arrive so i could start the drugs it was late for the first time in months and I was so upset for a few days because I thought this would delay the process by a month then the penny dropped! I was pg. How it happened I dont know, I hadnt been trying around the dates anymore as I thought why bother.
Being told you need ivf is weird, you feel relived that you dont have to religioulsy ttc like you are a rabbit but its also sad as you think you cant.
When we decided it might be time to start thinking about number 2 I was happy that we wanted to have another but dreading the process of ttc then going to the docs. Strangely enough it took about 7 months.
The endo is still there, i was feeling it every month.
I was very surprised at the amount of people who suffered infertility problems, especially in my area.

 

[rach]

helen thanks for sharing this i think its a great idea i wish you all the best and will be following your diary my sister is more or less in the same boat so i know how tough it can be thinking of you hun xxxxx

 

[liviray]

Laura,
you have given me encouragement. I too (possibly ) have endo. Been a year so far of ttc. Getting a bit fed up with it all. Keep thinking "what if I'm totally infertile?" Try not to think this too much as I get upset.
Take care.....

 

[Loopylou76]

Hi Laura,

I've found your diary extremely useful so far, from a totally selfish point of view as I may be doing the same things shortly!

We haven't used any contraception for about 4 years now, but only started 'trying' nearly 2 years ago, and have been for ultrasounds, samples, blood tests, HSG's, only to be told that the doctors are stumped as to why we haven't conceived.

I have to agree with your earlier point about that doctor, he does sound like a prat, is there some kind of insensitivity test that doctors have to complete in medical school?!

Good luck

Loopy

 

[Helen]

Wednesday
We went to the ACU New Patients Evening on Wednesday night. It was in this lecture theatre at the hospital. It was a bit of a weird experience, everyone migrated to the back, but there was this strange etiquette that you didn’t sit next to anyone or directly behind anyone so it got like this complicated puzzle for everyone to find seats! It was a real cross-section of society. I’ve been wondering for a while (as a non-religious person) how different religions view IVF treatment and how comfortably it sits. We’re friends with the local C of E vicar and also a local Methodist and haven’t dared raise the subject with them, though it came back to mind last night seeing a couple of devout Muslims in the audience as well.

The evening itself was useful there was a nurse, a doctor, an embryologist and a counsellor there who all did a little bit about their involvement. Plus we had the chance to chat with them afterwards. I was a bit aggrieved to see that the doc was heavily PG. There is just no escaping PG women when you are infertile!!

The session lasted about an hour and we chatted to the nurse and the counsellor afterwards (couldn’t quite bring myself to speak to the PG doc!) and they were both very nice. The nurse particularly put my mind at rest as the session had included a lot of stuff about what could go wrong during the process that might prevent you getting to ET (embryo transfer) and it turns out that risk is minimal.

Also discovered that you inject into your tummy. I knew that the drugs were self-administered, but figured they went in the bum or arm and that OH (who happens to have a BIG needle phobia) would have to be involved. He was far too chirpy about being let off the hook and I think IVF is a good chance for him to get over his needle phobia!

There’s a lot of legal stuff to sort out and think about such as what we want to happen to any spare embryos. The choices are
1. allow to perish
2. research
3. freeze for another go later
4. donate to other couple

The freezing is a pretty simple choice at this stage, but then you need to think about what you do with them after that if you don’t use them. There’s also what we would want to happen in the event of one of us dying. It seems that my OH can decide to leave them for me to use, but I can’t leave them for him (?) That seemed a bit unfair. It’s a bit of a long shot that OH could find a surrogate mother in the event that I died or that he would even want to, but I’d like to be able to give him the choice.

 

[Helen]

Thursday
Woke up feeling pretty positive about IVF today. (Thursday) and decided I needed to act regarding the counselling service. I rang the counsellor we had met last night and arrange two appointments. One for me first and one for both me and OH later on. We need to have a joint counselling session at least so that we can discuss the issues surrounding one of us dying and having frozen embryos. OH seemed a bit put out about that I feel that I need to see a counsellor by myself. In fact, when we’d discussed it last week he said the most wonderful thing…. That we are everything to each other. I feel as though I am burdening him with a lot of female irrational hormone induced lunacy. I explained to him today that I wanted to be able to cry and shout and let snot run down my chin without worrying that I’m upsetting the other person and that there isn’t anything I intend to discuss that he doesn’t already know. I’m hoping it really helps me come to terms with all the unfairness of it.

I also asked a friend of mine for a telephone number for a hypno-therapist she saw recently. She and I are both really bad flyers (she worse than me) and she found he had helped ease her fear. I had intended to see him about that, but after last night I decided that I would try to get him to help me during the egg collection. The egg collection is meant to be the worst bit, you are sedated but they stick a needle up inside into your ovaries to collect the eggs and it’s meant to be quite uncomfortable. They let you bring your OH with you and suggest you take some music to help you relax. I’m hoping the hypno guy can help me associate a certain piece of music with total relaxation so I can play that on the day. The collection can take 30-60 mins. Any suggestions for good music to relax to?

 

[Helen]

Saturday

I was intending to post up Fridays diary but unlike Wed and Thursday which I had already written that one's not done yet and Saturday has overwhelmed the trivialities of IVF.

I found out this am that my Gramps has died.

I am so devastated. My Mum is being really brave and spent time this morning reminding me to think about fun memories which really helped. Here's a few random:

1. Him being Father Christmas' special helper. We always spent Xmas Eve at my grandparents house and he wrote the note from Santa and put the sooty finger prints on it, ate the mince pie and drank the sherry. He even used to put cotton wool in the front door as though FC got his beard caught on his way out. He even dressed up as Santa for some cub scouts (my Dad's really into scouting), this year my Dad did it. Felt like real food for thought at the time.
2. This gizmo he got that went under the toilet seat so that when someone sat on it, it went "Hey you! I'm working down here!". Me and my brother used to hide out in the bedroom next to the bathroom to hear it go off.
3. Magic tricks like taking our paper napkin and ripping up, putting it in a ball in his hand and blowing on it. Tadaaa!! It was whole again. I think I was in my 20s before I realised that he still had his own napkin in his hand. Doh! Used to also do this neat coin from behind your ear or top of your head.
4. When someone goes to sleep, waking them up and asking them if they want to buy a battleship. Just a bonkers thing to really confuse a half-asleep person.
5. When he lived down south he (together with my Grandad and another Uncle) were involved in this minature railway (the kind you can ride on a couple of feet high) at a garden centre. My brother and I used to go and help when we stayed there. I used to work in the ticket office (I was probably about 7) and my brother used to be the guard and blow the whistle. It was great and we had loads of free goes on the train which went over a bridge and through a tunnel. Soooo exciting!

There's loads more like that.

You're not supposed to have favourite grandparents are you? But he was mine.

H

xx

 

[rach]

awwww hun im so sorry for the loss of your grandad (((((hugs)))))
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Tam]

Helen,

(((((HUGS)))))) Sorry to hear about your grandad, he sounds like a load of fun!!!

I wish you all the best with your IVF treatment babe, I hope it goes really well for you both!

Take care hun, thinking of you xx