Struggling

[p1nk11]

I'm really struggling with things at the mo I'm suprised OH hasnt killed me yet. My moods are so eratic - one minute we are laughing & joking then out of nowhere I'm screaming at him then just as quick I'm laughing again Its worse than my usual PMS (& she's not even due yet )

I've been thinking of her so much over the last few days wondering what she'd be like. I met up with my cousin today for lunch with her little boy (she always asks if its ok to bring him or would I rather it just be us but I figure I have to get used to babies so why not start with family - & he's such a cutie), who is a week older than Ava, & I can't help but think about what she'd be doing, would she be growing as much as him. Its strange but I still haven't been able to hold him yet - I can play with him & everything but can't bring myself to pick him up

Ava would be 5 months a week Sunday but instead she's 5 months gone I miss her so much.

 

[laurat]

Im sorry honey! Must be so hard!

 

[phoebesmum]

Im so sorry hun, Hope you feel better soon. xxxxx

 

[Nurse 26]

sorry you are feeling down hun. Are you still going to the councilling? hope thats helping. xx

 

[heartbroken]

Sorry your feeling this way hunnie .. David`s gone 6 months today and i always think of what he would be doing and how big he would be it breaks my heart.. I have been in a really bad mood today and ive taken it out on my OH.. I think its totally normal that you cant hold him just yet.. Any time i see anothe baby (especially boys) at the same age i get so annoyed that they have there baby and i dont have mine.. How is the counseling going? xx

 

[Cazza]

I just can't even begin to understand the pain and heartache you Pink and Heartbroken are going through.............but want to give you both the biggest possible xx

 

[weggi]

I hope you start feeling even slightly better soon, i can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.

 

[JellybeanIWant]

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie truely am

xx

 

[Rosie5]

My daughter and childrens sister was still born december 2008. It neve goes away. Which as the years go by is also a comfort. People have talked to me about their friends loses years ago and how it affected them. They were looking for words of wisdom to comfort them still as the could not cope with their friends loss, when they had their baby, they thought that thier friend resented them. I said its not like that, when your baby dies you just want your baby, and are scared of what other people think. That you are scared to hold their baby. I felt like an angel of death around pregnant women and babies. I did not want to get close incase I lost them too. Irrational. Your family or friend is being instinctive. Knowing that you need to move on in a tiny way and hold a baby. It a big thing for you, and you sound like you have support.

 

[Amy - x]

i lost my little ava just after new year.. these past few months have passed in a complete blurr.

it does get 'easier' for lack of better wording. Lean on people when you need to... its important to not allow yourself to be alone. It's the lonliest feeling in the world but to have someone holding your hand, lending an ear... makes it bearable even through the hardest times. The only thing that would truely make things better is to have your girl huge huge hugs xxx

 

[p1nk11]

Thank you for all your replies, sorry I took so long to answer but find it hard to come on her somedays so only update my journal quickly then disappear again

Counselling has really helped, I don't feel that I am to blame for her death as I did before but I'm still finding it hard to accept - I still feel like I am waiting for her to arrive I only have one session left - don't know what I'm going to do after that.

I've had a few good days this last week but today OH & I went out as its been really hot & everywhere we went there were little babies or toddlers running around - even my OH admitted that he was struggling seeing them as we won't get to do that with Ava